The thought of starting therapy was extremely daunting. Not only did I worry about what other people would think, but I was constantly questioning myself about whether it was the right decision and if I even needed therapy. I continued to suppress my feelings and pretended like everything was fine in my life, when in reality it was the total opposite.
Happy Place
It was the start of the pandemic when I really began to struggle. I had 4 weeks off work because my brain physically couldn’t think of anything other than all the anxiety and constant questioning of myself. I described it as feeling like I was in a bubble, not quite in touch with reality. It was then when I started listening to a lot of Podcasts in search of answers as to why I was feeling how I was, and if there was any breakthrough solution to ‘’fix’’ me. I found Fearne Cotton Happy Place Podcast to be most helpful, although I quickly realised there was no quick fix, it was refreshing and weirdly nice to hear about how others felt the same throughout their lives, especially hearing it from public figures.
Therapy isn’t just for those at rock bottom
It was one particular episode on Happy Place that was a turning point for me. It was with Aimi Maunders & Fearne Cotton and the episode was called ‘’ How talking changed everything’’ Aimi is the co-founder of Happiful, a wellness and mental health magazine and app. She spoke about how therapy isn’t just for those at rock bottom and how it was a really good coping mechanism for her when things just got a little too much. It was almost like the penny dropped at this point, I guess it’s because I didn’t want to see myself as at ‘’rock bottom’’ and worried that a therapist would think ‘’why is she here? Her problems are so trivial’’ . It was only after this podcast that I felt more at ease with the idea of going to therapy, because actually it can be helpful at any stage in your life.
Finding the right therapist
I wasn’t quite sure where to start. I had a bout of calls with the NHS which didn’t work for me or feel personal enough, and I struggled to understand and connect with a therapist that my work offered me. Aimi mentioned in her Podcast how important it was to connect with someone, and I totally agreed. I needed to find someone who I felt comfortable speaking to, opening up too and connecting with. I deep down knew that if I wasn’t 100% comfortable, I wouldn’t 100% open up, and that’s what I really needed to do.
I decided I was going to find my own therapist, and so I used a therapist matching service to help me find one. I thought about the qualities and expertise I wanted to find in someone, and that was experience with adolescents, relationships, anxiety and depression. I scoured my matches reading bios of therapists and looking at their photos wondering what they would be like, would they like me? Would they judge me? Do they seem nice? It was then I came across Hayley. Her background and experience matched just what I was looking for and her picture seemed friendly, soft and totally non judgemental. She was also local to me, which meant I could get to and from my therapy sessions easily. I dropped her a message and planned our first meeting. Hayley positioned the first session as more of a ‘’discovery session’’ for us to see if we gelled and wanted to continue with more sessions. Her ethos matched what I was looking for and that was ‘’we both need to connect to get the most out of this’’ I so desperately hoped we did because I knew she was who I wanted to spend my therapy journey with.
The best investment I’ve ever made
The session went well, and everything I worried about faded away, the conversation flowed nicely and there were no awkward or uncomfortable pauses ( it’s almost like they’re professionals in talking!?) weeks passed and I was regularly meeting Hayley and each time I left I felt elevated and understood my feelings and thoughts more, I understood people around me more and more importantly I started to feel lighter. Don’t get me wrong, some sessions were tough, but it’s all part and parcel of unpacking things.
I found the sessions I got the most out of was when I went totally unprepared. I previously thought I had to come to therapy with a list of problems to use in my sessions but this wasn’t the case at all. I found I got to unexpected areas that I didn’t realise was causing me grief when I went to my session with a totally open mind. My sessions were £45ish each time and at first I was having them weekly, so it seemed at the time like a huge investment, but when I put it into perspective, I wouldn’t think twice about dropping that kind of money on a round of drinks for my mates, or for the latest jacket on ASOS. So why not invest it into my mental health? It was hand on heart the best investment I ever made. Hayley and I had regular reviews and eventually we decided I could drop my sessions back to every 2 weeks, until eventually I reached the end of my therapy journey.
It’s not a breakup
Although it felt a little like one. I was probably a few months in when Hayley said she felt we had probably reached the end of our journey, and I agreed. When I reflected back on where I was when I walked into her warm and homely office space to where I was now, I was a totally different person. I felt a mix of emotions. Sad because I built such a relationship with Hayley, I loved speaking to her and didn’t want it to end, but also proud of who I was now and the journey I’d been on. I was much stronger, I knew who I was and who I wasnt and had a clearer view of what I wanted in life. Hayleys words in our last session really stuck with me, ‘’My door is always open, we’ve just reached the end of this chapter, and I’m here if you ever need support in your next one’’ She said therapy can sometimes go on and on and eventually become unhelpful, which I admired and also understood. I cried a little saying goodbye, our last session was through Zoom because of the pandemic so we couldn’t meet, I wished I could have given her a hug and thanked her in person for how she changed my life, but Covid couldn’t allow and so we bidded farewell and we ended the call.
You’ve changed
This was the best compliment I ever received. It came from a few people, some that I spoke about in therapy and who offered the compliment in a not so complimentary way, and some from friends who could see my light was back on and I was a stronger, better version of myself. I wish I took the steps sooner and started therapy before I did. I realised after it wasn’t so scary, it wasn’t such a big thing and I really wasnt at rock bottom, I just needed a little help untangling some muddled thoughts and feelings which led me to feeling happier, lighter and more independent of my thoughts. Do I think I’m ‘’fixed’’? absolutely not, but do I understand myself and the ebbs and flows of life more? Yes. I’m not so hard on myself or others around me, I’m kinder to who I am and know that I may eventually need to re-open the door with Hayley and that’s okay, because life can be hard. And having someone there to guide me a little through those tough times is the best investment I could ever make – that ASOS jacket can wait until black friday.
My advice to you
If you’re contemplating therapy, just give it a go. Be sure to find someone you think you like and who you can connect with, not someone that’s just given to you because ‘’they’re on an approved list’’ you are in control and you can always stop if it’s not right. They say a problem shared is a problem halved and I really believe this. Talking therapy changed and helped my life for the better, and there’s a possibility it could do the same for you.
